We tend to think of our values as purely positive. They are like a compass, our core, the things that define us. While they are those things, the values we care most about are also the places we are most likely to feel particularly hurt.

If you value connection, being left out or ignored can feel like proof you’re unworthy. If you value integrity, even a minor mistake or someone else’s dishonesty can feel devastating. If you value creativity, feeling stuck can feel like you’ve lost yourself entirely. Research on self-discrepancy theory (Higgins, 1987) shows that the gap between who we want to be and who we think we are can produce feelings of shame, guilt, and even anxiety, especially when it relates to deeply held values.

But that pain isn’t weakness or necessarily even truth, it’s just information. It’s a signal that something important to you was stepped on; something close to your heart was transgressed by you or by someone else. And when we treat that pain with curiosity instead of self-blame, we can see it as an opportunity to understand what matters most. That doesn’t mean we should stop caring about our values or turn ourselves into devoted warriors fighting for them at all costs. It means learning to hold them with more flexibility and self-compassion, knowing nobody, including ourselves, can honor them perfectly all the time. This also helps us understand why some things may tend to push our buttons waaayyyy more than other things.

Consider someone with a strong value of contribution who feels at their best when their ideas are heard and they can be helpful at work, at home, or in the community. Happiness isn’t neccessarily the absence of struggle, but rather the connectedness we feel to what we value. When this person finds themselves in an environment where their contributions are dismissed or ignored they don’t just feel frustrated, they feel disconnected from who they are and who they want to be. That hurt isn’t just a general bad feeling, it’s a specific vulnerability because contribution matters so much to them. But by noticing that hurt, they can pause, name the value at stake, and choose a response that feels intentional instead of reacting from pure pain.

The idea here is that there is nothing to necessarily “fix.” These vulnerabilities aren’t mistakes, they’re reflections of what’s most important to us. The goal is to create awareness of our motivations, values, and assumptions so we can act intentionally and in balance to continue to work toward those goals; as opposed to reacting impulsively without insight.

What do you value? Have you taken the time to think about it? Think about people you’ve always admired, values that feel very important to you, what are the hills you take a stand on or what are the things that feel particularly painful. Jot these down and notice what it feels like when you are connected to these things (and how you can do that more in your life) and what it feels like when you feel these values have been crossed (and how can you support yourself through the inevitable missteps of ourselves and others). Awareness and intention go further than perfection.

If you’d like support exploring your values and the places they leave you vulnerable, reach out to our team for therapy in Chicago, Northbrook, or online.